Trat beach in southern Thailand

It’s Not You, Thailand. It’s Me.

Dear, Thailand.

I hate to have to do this, I really do, but the time has come to say goodbye. I know we just had an amazingly romantic holiday on Koh Kood, but the truth is I wanted to break this news to you easily. I thought that two weeks in an idyllic island setting would be the perfect way to do it. But then, when we were there, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you I was leaving, partly because even I wasn’t sure I wanted to go.

Perhaps I’ll get stuck on this island, I thought, and then I can stay forever and live happily ever after in love with you, Thailand.

Ngamkho Beach, Koh Kood, Thailand

Ngamkho Beach, Koh Kood, Thailand

But that’s not what happened. I didn’t get stuck. The weather was perfect, the ferry on time. I had no more excuses. I should have told you then, but I couldn’t. And, if I’m being completely honest with you, I probably wouldn’t have stayed anyway.

You see, I kind of have a record of this. For years I’ve been chasing my dreams, one after another, leaving those who are close to me choking in my dust. I’m a bit of a commitment phoebe, if you will.

But we don’t have to look at this as a bad thing.

In fact, I might never have met you if it weren’t for my fear of commitment. The world was open to me when I first began looking for jobs, but you reached out your hand and said, “Come. I’m only asking for six months, and if you don’t like me you can leave.”

Fair enough, I decided. All those other countries are being greedy, asking for a whole year when they know I’ve never given anyone that kind of commitment. But you understood me from the very beginning.

After our first heartfelt breakup, however, I thought I was ready for a bit more serious commitment…though not with you. With the confidence you instilled and your blessing, I signed up for 10 months with China (an entire academic year), and well, we all know how that turned out. (If you don’t, read about my allergic reaction to China here.)

Pollution Guangzhou China

Hey, China, just keep telling yourself you’re not polluted.

But again, that lack of commitment led me back to you – my first love. It’s been a wonderful rendezvous, but let’s face it, you knew when I returned on a whim that it wouldn’t last long. I didn’t give you a date, but an approximate end to our relationship was definitely discussed.

I wanted to make this easy for both of us, by keeping my guard up and not falling too hard, but I failed. Miserably. Goodbyes are always hard (believe me, I speak from experience) but I have to do this for me.

However, I should tell you I’m terrified of the two-year commitment (2 YEARS!) I made with Colorado, USA. I’ve already signed up for classes and got a new job at university, plus plans are in the making for my big move. And the reality of it all is so much scarier than moving in with you, simply because I’m afraid that being stuck in one place will feel like a small hell when my traveler’s itch strikes again.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about this new partnership – Colorado is almost as handsome as you are – but that commitment thing is hovering over me like a wet blanket. I lasted only four months with the last guy (China, in case you lost track at home), and you’re my longest reigning relationship to date, at seven whole months, plus an extra two a year later.

Thai costume

A goodbye wai to you, Thailand.

I’ve never even kept a job for longer than one year – and Starbucks doesn’t count because, like you, I quit him several times and continued to return (hey, the number thing…). I thank you for taking me back, and not ever making me feel guilty for exploring other countries before I did so. You really are amazing.

On Monday, I’ll fly back to China for one of those awkward pick-up-your-things-from-the ex’s-apartment situations, and two days later I’ll bid him farewell. You have nothing to worry about, honestly. He won’t even be getting a sappy letter from me because we didn’t exactly end on the best of terms.

I don’t think anybody will be surprised if I come running back to you when my toes begin to twitch with that special desire that only escape and adventure can fulfill. I have a feeling it will hit me as soon as Colorado starts to take things too seriously, with talk of the future and all that, so please don’t feel bad, Thailand.

It’s not you, really. It’s me.

With love,

MissAdventure


It’s Not You, Thailand. It’s Me.
Written by:Jessica J. Hill

23 Comments

  1. Anna says:

    I like the way you have written this, its interesting and amusing but at the same time I can notice parts of myself and my own itchy feet and fear of commitment in here too. My problem is wherever I am I want to get to exploring the next country only to discover that now I miss the one I left behind! I hope Thailand forgives you for breaking up with her and good luck for uni.

    • jessicajhill says:

      It’s hard sometimes to remember to enjoy the now, but I’m working on reminding myself to do this, and to try not to take any of these experiences for granted. I totally understand what you mean though!

      I also hope Thailand will take me back when I decide to come 😉

  2. Jessica remember, Uni is just another scary commitment adventure that Miss Adventure will triumph over. I think you may now have figured out that Thailand is a boyfriend that you have out grown without even noticing or at least accepting till now. Thailand will be here if later you decide you want a reunion or fling but you have so many more Adventures to experience and embrace on your journey. I have enjoyed watching your writing and you grow since I first read your works, keep up the fantastic growth.

    • jessicajhill says:

      Wow, thanks for the encouragement, Jit. I agree – I think uni will be a new and exciting adventure in itself, but I worry that I tend to get bored once the initial excitement wears off.

      A friend of mine joked yesterday that I’ll probably run back to Thailand with a group of friends for my first spring break! He’s probably not too far off, but it is a big world and I want to see it all!

      Thanks for keeping in touch!

  3. glockers13 says:

    Lovely post Miss Hill! A pleasure to read as always 🙂

  4. Autumn Curtis says:

    This is such a cute post Jess! Love it so much!

  5. Tammy Barrett says:

    Love your style, we fell in love also. It was hard to remember his name on occasions but you kept us in suspense and that was the thrill of this whirlwind. Bring us more after you catch your breath.

  6. Edna says:

    Good luck in Colorado! I have no doubt you’ll be back to Thailand, though I’ve heard great things about CO as well — a lot of my friends in Singapore were from there and they totally sold me on it, I wouldn’t mind living there I think (though I’ve never been anywhere two years either)!

  7. Leonardo says:

    Thanks for a marvelous posting! I definitely enjoyed reading it,
    you are a great author. I will remember to bookmark your blog
    and may come back very soon. I want to encourage you to ultimately continue your great posts, have a nice evening!

  8. I have to say goodbye, too.

    Thanks for letting me camp out in your blog for a little while today. I had a great time and tried to leave my campsite as good as when I arrived. I’ll be back!

  9. Justin Light says:

    I feel the same with commitment. I left China after doing 70hours a week (because they had me doing curriculum writing on the side). I have a future job back offer in china that promises less work and higher pay but its a 12month contract. :((( plus don't prefer having censored slow internet…… So you saying that theres 1-3month contracts in Thailand? WOOO!

    • jessicajhill says:

      Hi, Justin! I completely understand your concern. Another year is a long time in China, but depending on what you hope to gain from it, it might be a good experience. However, if you’re interested in short-term contracts in Thailand, I’d be happy to help you out! I am not recruiting teachers through my other site: http://teachenglishesl.com/ We have 10-week internships or 5-month/one-semester teaching commitments. You’re going to love Thailand! If you’re interested, send me an email: info @ teachengishesl.com

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